Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Let's Talk About Squeaky Toys

So! We're past Christmas, and I bet some of you well intentioned humans got your dogs squeaky toys for Christmas. Maybe it was an impulse buy at the PetCo, next to the doggie treats that are supposed to make your dog's breath smell great (sucker, those don't work).

Sure, you think it's good exercise. Or it gives you the break you need so you can make dinner or watch Jon Stewart or go through the mail or something. Perhaps you think it's adorable to give the furry squirrel with a squeaker inside of it to your dog and watch him go bananas.

Here's the thing, though. I gotta tell you, honestly, those Squeaky Toys? They drive dogs insane. And not in a good way.

Imagine this – a can of savory candied cashews. Or a plate of delicious strawberries, covered with a plastic lid. A take out bag of yummy drool-worthy tacos? Whatever it is that makes your taste buds tingle. Can you see it? It's right in front of you. You can even smell it.

Now imagine you can't get it open.

No matter how hard you hammer the can or work at that plastic lid, or batter that bag, you cannot get it open. You can see it, you can smell it, you are SO CLOSE to eating it, but you can't get it open.

That's what's it like for dogs and squeaky toys.

We can't leave it alone. WE HAVE TO GET THE SQUEAKER OUT! We HAVE to, I'm telling you. We have rip that stuffed animal apart, chomp that squeaker inside, and trail stuff and fluff all over the floor. Don't you understand what happens if we leave that squeaker inside the stuffed chipmunk? IT WILL CONTINUE TO SQUEAK THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY WITH IT! THE SQUEAKER DOES NOT ABIDE! IT DOES NOT, IT DOES NOT, IT DOES NOT!

It's madness. Pure madness. The squeaker, taunting us, like a deranged whistle pounding at our eardrums. We're talking real OCD doggie behavior. We can't think, we can't go on a walk, we can't eat... okay, yes, we can. But it's not as much fun to eat, knowing that squeaker in that stuffed fox is STILL THERE.

Yes, it is fun for dogs. But fun in like the most grimly determined of ways. Fun like going to an all you can eat buffet. Where you know you're overeating, but you HAVE to try everything on the buffet because it's there, and it's all you can eat, and you are going to sample every last dessert in the dessert section!

So you can buy your dog a squeaky toy. But take pity, and also buy that cut of filet mignon (real meat, not the squeaky toy version.) Because your dog is gonna EARN that sucker, oh yes, he is.



Thursday, January 9, 2014

Ask Toto #50


Dear Toto,

Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?

Compulsive List Maker

Hi Compulsive!

My resolution is the same every year.  It’s the same every year because I break it every year.  And that resolution is…

I promise to be nice to the cat.

It’s a resolution that Dorothy wants me to make, and I want to make her happy, really I do.  But it’s SO DARN HARD!

I promise to be nice to the cat.

You ever notice how the cat doesn’t make any resolutions at all?  I promise not to bother Toto.  That would be a GREAT resolution for the cat, and the cat doesn’t do bupkiss.  Just slinks around, so hoity toity and sneering at me and twitching its tail and thinking its so great and then I just have to BARK BARK BARK and chase it all over the house and hopefully into the water trough outside because I promise you, a wet cat is an awesome sight to see.

I promise to be nice to the cat.

Does it have to be “nice”?  Can it be “civil”?  “Polite”?  “Steadfastly ignoring you until you upset me”?

I am a dog.  I will try my best.  But don’t blame me if I break the resolution… oh, about two days ago.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com